


A privilege you don't have

by ughaghost



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: F/F, Ficlet, a quick little thing, annalise's perspective, trying to get my writing juices flowing again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-19 21:47:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17609612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughaghost/pseuds/ughaghost
Summary: S05E10 Eve comes back. This sort of examines Annalise's thoughts on that and her complicated close relationships with women in general.





	A privilege you don't have

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know man. I've been trying this thing where I just write however I feel because otherwise I won't write anything at all. There's so much to explore in this show and Annalise Keating and I hope I'm inspired to actually write a whole thing eventually. Until then, a tidbit.

Eve only comes around when there’s trouble. You suppose it should be of some comfort to know that no matter what that sharp brain of her is always at your disposal, that she’ll still come running when you call, even when you don’t. But instead of feeling safer you just feel- more, with her. Everything is more complicated. Because you never know what your feelings for her are on a good day never mind the day after you find out you’re stolen husband had a son he never told you about. A son who ingratiated himself your life to find out what happened to him.

 

She knew. She never told you. You can’t decide if you’re mad enough about to slam the door in her face. But God you missed her, you realize even as you feign the opposite and tell her to leave. That feeling you get knowing you inspired the loyalty of someone like her. Someone better than you. The rest of them. The others who follow you they’re just as bad as you now. Maybe they weren’t when you met them. But the capacity was there and that’s what pulled you in. And as you got to know them you drew it out of them. The ugliness, the part of their nature that makes them willing to commit crimes of varying degrees for each other, for you. You made them worse and vice versa. 

 

But Eve made you better. She was a light when there was none. Even when you’d left her for an easier life, for Sam and  _ appropriate _ and a more socially acceptable family. When you lost your baby she came running and she made Sam stay, for you. She was always there, even after you did everything you thought possible to make her go without telling her to. And then finally you did, and she left. And it was easier to pretend he was enough.

 

“I was doing what i thought was best for you. Clearly I was wrong.”

 

You know she means it. She fucked up back then but she’s also here to set things right. To help you deal with this Gabriel situation. A lost boy snooping around on behalf of a man who doesn’t deserve it. And you don’t blame him, despite what he’s pulled so far. 

 

Between Frank and coming up with a plan, you talk. She tells you you’ve chosen this life. And you walk away in huff because she’s right. All your choices have lead you here, to this life of loss and constantly waiting for something bad to happen. And when it does, trying to fix it causing further mess.

 

You also choose not to act on your attraction to women if you can help it. You don’t have the luxury as you remind her when she teases you about finding you a girlfriend. 

 

“You’re privilege allows you to be gay.” 

 

You’ve tried not be bitter about it. Having to swallow down another part of yourself to get by, to succeed. So much of you tamped down enough to get ahead, people would never believe. But you get to be a bitch because you’re also the best. And being seen that way takes sacrifice.

 

It leaks into your close relationships with women though, which is why you’ve tried not to have those since her. Attraction, protectiveness, an almost maternal aspect, it all gets mixed up and complicated and it’s  **dangerous.** It almost ruined your relationship with

Bonnie. Thankfully that didn’t go beyond a few shared kisses when you were vulnerable. But it could have and then where you both be. You need each other, no twisted attraction is worth risking your relationship. You know that and she’s better off when she realizes it as well.

 

You’ve never loved another like her but you’re still tempted. Tegan does that. You  have so much in common but she’s accepted this part of herself in a way you never have, and she’s frankly less of a bitch. Or at least she’s seen that way because she’s willing to eat the bullshit she’s given more humbly, more quietly, than you ever could. She’s clever but not subtle, not about her affinity for you and you’re not sure yet what you’re going to do about that. 

 

She’s not Eve.

 

Except Eve’s girlfriend/partner/whatever is pregnant. And that can’t just happen to so she must have planned it. She’s finally building a life without you, just like you wanted for her. Even still, you can’t quite mask the hurt when she tells you. Or maybe she’s still just that good at reading you. 

 

When she leaves this time, it feels permanent in a way you refuse to examine. You’ll save that for after you’ve solved the Gabriel problem, for late at night when it’s silent and you’re alone with the yearning hollow within you.

**Author's Note:**

> @annalisequeer-ing on tumblr @ughaghost on twitter. always down to talk htgawm or annalise.


End file.
